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.
Q
“What's your job?”
A “I
work in her Lowliness’s kitchen.”
Q
“Doing what?”
A
“After the trucks from the septic tank
collection unit pump their content
into our storage vats, we process it
and serve her lowliness with seventeen
meals a day. The members
of her court get six servings a day.”
Q
“Why seventeen for the Queen?
Twelve's normal for a healthy lowness
queen.”
A
“Because she's dying.”
Q
"Twelve's normal and you guys are
feeding her seventeen. That takes a
lot of shit.” What's wrong?”
A
“Her sieve holes have worn open by a
whopping sixteen percent.”
Q
“Wow!”
A “I
know. She could slip away at any
time.”
Q “How much more
time does she have?”
A “The
prediction is that when her sieve
holes wear to 19.5 percent, she'll run
dry and die.?”
Q
“The extra five servings are making
the sieve holes wear out faster.'
A
“We know, but there's nothing else we
can do.”
Q
“You could ask God to make water
wetter.”
A
“We've already petitioned God to do
that but, so far the only response has
been a form letter from one of his
auto-responders.
Q.
“What do you make of that?”
A
“Don't know. He hasn't been seen in
public for over a month now. Rumor has
it that he's stuck in a Catch 22.”
Q
“What kind of Catch 22?”
A “Nobody knows,
but the scuttlebutt is that God can't
figure out how to turn chocolate into
chocolate.”
Q “Where's
the Catch 22 in that?”
A
“Chocolate is already chocolate and if
you turn chocolate into something else
like vanilla and then turn it back to
chocolate you're just turning vanilla
into chocolate.”
Q
“Have you gone to the Pope.
He's infallible. You know
that, don't you?”
A
“Of course.”
Q
“Put him onto helping God.”
A
“We already tried that.”
Q
“What happened?”
A
“He turned us down flat.”
Q
“Did he say why?”
A “Yes, he did. If he succeeded
he'd be smarter than God.”
Q
“What's wrong with that?”
A
“Apparently you've never beaten one of
your teachers at his own game. If you
did, you'd know that that tends to get
the them pissed.”
Q “So what? God'll get
over it”
A
“You obviously don't know much about
God, either.”
Q “What do you mean? God
tells us right in the Christian Bible,
'Forgive and you shall be forgiven'.”
A
“And you're naive enough to believe
him?
Q “Ah. . . Umm . . . Ya.“
A
“Well, don't.
Q
“Why not?”
A
“Because God holds the all-time,
universal record for holding the
longest lasting grudge in all of
creation. And not only
that, is he's anything but
forgiving. He's vengeful
beyond words.”
Q
“Are you sure?”
A
“Sure as down is at the other end of
up. He set Eve up for a
big fall by plunking a forbidden fruit
tree right under her nose, and then
sending in a talking snake to entrap
her. When she took the bait, he
grabbed both her and Adam and kicked
their asses clear out of heaven.
And as if that weren't more than
enough, since then, he's been causing
everyone in the entire world to be
born inherently evil. So,
let me assure you, you just don't to
do anything that even hints at the
possibility of getting this dude
angry.
Q
“What happened to Adam and Eve after
they were banished from paradise.”
A
“We don't know. The record
book doesn't say, but think about this
for a moment. When they
were banished, they were both virgins,
and had been virgins since the
beginning of creation.
Later we read about a long cycle of
begetting – a cycle that's still going
on today.
Q
“What's begetting?”
A
“That's a sexless way of saying he
made folks so horny that fucking
became a human Prime Directive.
Q “A
Prime Directive?”
A
“Yup. When you add what the evidence
tells us to what the fundamentalist
leaders says, the logical conclusion
is that creating humans horny was
God's way of making them inherently
evil. But enough of that. Lets
get back to the Queen."
Q
“OK. What if the Pope took on the task
of turning chocolate into chocolate
and he failed?”
A
“He'd have to relinquish his
infallibility title.”
Q
“Without any answers, that leaves you
stuck overfeeding a dying Queen.”
A
“Yup.”
Q
“So . . . When she dies, what then?”
A “A
feeding frenzy will begin in the court
to see who will be the next lowness
Queen.”
Q
“How does that work?”
A
“They keep having contests where the
loser gets eaten.
Eventually, there'll be only one
sewer-eater left and she'll declare
victory and crown herself as the
queen.”
Q
“Declare victory to whom?
She'll have eaten everyone but
herself.”
A
“Apparently, you're not familiar with
a sewer-queen's life-cycle.”
Q
“No, pleases fill me in.”
A
“She'll select a sewer collector to be
her mate. After mating
she'll eat her mate and begin birthing
enough babies to build an new court.”
Q
“And then the whole damned cycle will
start all over again.”
A
“Yup.”
Q
“Aren't you afraid of being eaten?”
A
“No.”
Q
“Why not?”
A
“Because I and the rest of the kitchen
crew wear suits made of cream cheese.”
Q
“What difference does that make?
Buzzing sound.
A
“Hold on a moment, my pager is
ringing.”
"A" has a very
brief phone phone conversation and
then turns to “Q”
A
“I've got the get back to the kitchen.
One of the pressure cooker valves has
sprung a leak.”
Q
“Can you come back and tell me about
your cream cheese suit?”
A
“Sorry, I can't; but let me
leave you with a riddle.”
Q “A
riddle?”
A
“When you understand the riddle,
you'll have the answer to your
question.”
Q
“Ok, what's the riddle?”
A
“What does shit smell like to a dung
beetle?”
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