God Is My Grandfather

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Before you dismiss me as just another lunatic, 
    please read this brief story.   God may be your grandfather, too.

One day I was reading the Christian Bible when I came upon this passage in, Genesis 5:1,  "...God created man in the likeness of God..."  The idea flashed through my mind that, if the Bible is right, then God must look like you and me.   I didn't give this idea any more thought until in verses two and four of the next chapter, I read,  "...the sons of God saw the daughters of men as fair, so they took them as wives..."   and   "...the sons of God came in onto the daughters of men and they bore children..."  

At this point, I started wondering what happened to the son's of the gods?   And what happened to all the children they fathered?   The children must obviously be dead and gone, but what about the sons of the gods.   

Unlike Adam and Eve, they must know where God hid  the tree of eternal life, so like their fathers they must live forever.   I wondered where are all those eternal son's of the gods who were having sex with all those all those beautiful Earth women?  

Now let's face it guys, even you and I know a good thing when we see one.   So imagine for a moment that you are an eternal son of God, and you find a ready-made, willing harem on Earth available to you at any time you choose.   What would you do?   You'd taste the pudding, of course, and then later, you'd come back for more.  There are no long-term commitments.   No financial costs.   No paternity suits.   No alimony.   And no screaming kids.   Just. . .   good. . .  SEX!   I can't speak for the women, but, guys, how many of you would pass up an opportunity like that?  

So what does that mean?   It means that, if the sons of God came then, they're coming now.  And ladies, can we get real for a moment?   How many of you would turn down an opportunity to make love to one of the sons of the real, honest to goodness God?   And, if you did, how many of you would go home and tell your mate, your family, and your friends about your escapade?   Not many!   I'm certain of that.  

About three days after my Bible reading session, I was telling my older brother about what I'd read.   He's twelve years older than me and is usually rather calm, but upon hearing my words, he became anything but calm.   He immediately took out the Bible and confirmed what I'd told him.   He then slowly closed the book, set it aside, and sat there staring at me with this strange look on his face.  

"What's up?" I demanded of him.  

After a long silence, he blurted out,  "God's your grandfather!"  

I laughed at him and said, "What?  You're crazy!"  

"No, I'm not," he said.   "Let me explain.   You're not supposed to be told what I'm about to tell you until you're sixteen, but you're fifteen now, so I guess one year more or less won't matter much."  

Instantly, my body tensed.   I sat up and  leaned toward him in anticipation.  I thought I was ready, but I was definitely not prepared for what he said.  

He continued, "About six months before you were born, mom and dad had a heavy-duty fight.   He found out that while mom was away visiting a friend in Canada, she had had a two-week-long, torrid love affair with a mysterious stranger, and she came home, pregnant."  

"Then that means...  it means..."  I tried to speak, but no more words came out of my mouth.  

"It means." my brother continued,  "that dad's not your real, biological father."  

Upon hearing this bombshell news, my mouth dropped open, I flopped back on the couch, and just sat there, dumbfounded.   Finally, I asked, "Then...  then who is my father?"  

"According to mom, he was a mysterious stranger that she met while walking in the woods.   He told her that he was not from Earth, but from a distant galaxy.   Dad was really pissed, when he heard that story.   He never believed her, and she never changed her story."  

"What happened to the stranger?" I asked.  

"Mom says she never saw him before their affair, and has never seen him since."  

I looked at my brother and excitedly said, "Then my real father must have been one of those sons of God that the Bible talks about!"  

I sat silently for a moment, while the real meaning of this disclosure spun through my mind.  Then with almost no conscious thought at all, the following words came pouring out:  "Holy sh_--!   God really is my Grandfather!"  

Footnote to the above story:

A research study conducted in the 1950's concluded that about ten percent of all babies born in America were fathered by someone other than the man who raised the child as though he were the biological father.   The study revealed female, sexual behavior that, at that time, was considered to be too scandalous to be made public.   The findings were simply hushed up.   

About 1990, a new paternity research study was conducted.   The 1990 study confirmed the accuracy of earlier statistics.   This time the study's findings were made public along with the results of the 1950's study.

If the ten-percent-statistic was true in 1950 and true in 1990, it very well may have been true in Biblical times, too.   The statistical- number-itself may have been somewhat different, but sexual conduct hasn't changed very much in the past 2000 years.

So, what does all this really mean?   It means that if the Christian Bible is not just a contemporary fairytale, if the Bible is (as the conservative fundamentalist claim it is) the literal word of God, then God actually could be your grandfather.

What else does this mean.  Let me answer in symbolic terms:  If you insist on buying a cow to get her milk, and you ignore the fact that you have cow manure in your back yard, your denial could give your house a rather foul smell.